Summit Song

The Fear that Calms All Fear

2009-11-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

I used to eat insects when I was little. Mom told me that she found me eating bugs countless times, and she’d have to scoop them out of my mouth. She said, she doesn’t really know how many bugs I actually ingested. Crunchy potato bugs, ants, spiders, you name it. They were all potential victims, to my curious tongue.

I ironically developed, at a young age, a phobia of spiders. Though, other bugs don’t bother me. (For the comfort of those of you who share my phobia, I am done mentioning bugs in this post.) :0)

What are you afraid of? Is it a discomfort around large dogs? Is it a fear of letting yourself grow attached to someone, who might end up not loving you as much as you want to be loved ...or re-wounding you in ways you’ve been burned before? Is it a fear of how people might respond to a dark part of your past, or present? Do you struggle to trust people? Is there a sircomstance that has consumed you with fearful worry, of how you will ever make it through your future, or even face today?

What things cause you fearful anxiety, worry, or even panic?

Did you think of something? I know I can think of a lot of things for me. One thing that God has been working on, in me, is the concept of the fear that calms all fear.

The fear that calms all fear, is the fear of God.

What does it mean, to fear God? Personally, I often get a kind of sinking feeling inside, when I think of the term “fearing God.” When I’m already afraid of so much, it feels defeating, to think about fearing one more thing.

But that feeling comes out of my misunderstanding, of what it means to fear God. The fear of the Lord actually brings rest, breath, relief, peace, ...fearlessness. The fear of God hushes, stills, pacifies, calms, all fear.

I get my misunderstanding of fearing the Lord, when I think that it’s the same kind of fear that I have with certain other things. Like when I think about my family’s tight finances, or when I go to sleep and dream that I’m naked in public. But the fear of God is a completely different kind of fear. ...Like the crown on a princess, is different than the crown on a tooth. Or the mic you sing into, ...is different than my brother Mike. To be God fearing, is a different definition of fear.

To fear the Lord does NOT mean, to be anxious, worried, terrified, or frightened.

To fear the Lord, means to love Him. It means to be in AWE, of His awesome power, majesty, and ability. It means to seek to know how to describe who He is, what He’s done, and promised He will do, what He thinks about, and what He’s passionate about. The more we get to know about Him, the closer we draw to Him, and the deeper we come to just begin to fathom ...the unfathomable greatness, and size of God, ...the more we will change how we live, in response to Him. If you think about it, all of these things will naturally happen, if we love Him. The definition of fearing God: love Him.

These last couple years, I’ve been DROWNING in worrisome anxiety, and fearful panic. These two rough years for me, have thrown me into the need to draw nearer to the Lord, and to try to understand Him better. This has caused me to fear God (in other words: to love God) more. The more intimate my friendship with God has become, the more I want to show Him my fear of Him (my love of Him,) by altering how I live, think, speak. The more tenderly I adore Him (same as to fear Him,) the more I am longing, seeking, to learn about what He thinks, feels, who He is. This fearing (loving, gentle adoration) of God, has been producing an ever deepening... PEACE, FEARLESSNESS, FREEDOM FROM ANXIOUS WORRY.

This PEACE, is largely due to my growing in knowledge of God’s personality, character traits, mind, heart. MyFEARLESSNESS is founded in WHO GOD IS. The more I fear God (love God,) the more I seek to learn about Him, because Iwant to know who He is. And the more I know about who God is, the more I understand and see, the REST, HOPE, SAFETY, BREATH, RELIEF FROM ANXIOUS WORRY, FREEDOM FROM FEAR, PEACE, that I have in Him.

To fear God, means to love God, which is a beautiful, peace giving thing. The fear of God brings peace. The fear (love) of God is a desirable kind of fear. It brings relief, from ALL negative kind of fear. To fear (love) God, brings FREEDOM, from the negative kind of fear, FREEDOM from anxiousness, worry, panic, terror.

For those who love (desirable fear) God, there is no negative (undesirable) fear. For those who fear God, there is no fear. For those who fear God, there IS NO fear!

The fear (love) of God brings SECURITY, DEEP REST. The fear (love) of God, is the fear that DISSOLVES, STOPS, STILLS all fear. The fear of God, is the fear that PACIFIES, HUSHES, QUIETS all fear. The fear of God, is the fear that CALMS ALL fear.

This post is dedicated to a cousin of mine, who shares in common with me, Anxiety Disorder, and panic attacks. Love you, cuz’!

Lord, May YOUR Will be Done... I LOVE You!

2009-09-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

About a year and a half ago, the disabilities that I already had (Generalized Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress) suddenly flared up overwhelmingly. This threw me into a new one, Panic Disorder. Panic Disorder threw my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (caused by traumas in my past), and the other disorders into something that has absolutely crippled me. This, and the consistent panic attacks throughout every day, ended up causing me to be house bound, for the last year. I dropped out of all activities, except councilor and doctor appointments. Since Christmas, I have been able to attend the Worship and Creative Arts rehearsals most weeks at my church, as a member of their prayer team. Other than that, I have mostly been bound to my room. The panic and anxiety has often made it hard for me to get food down, causing loss of weight, and sometimes needing people to support me walking, from lack of ability to get nutrition. These disabilities have long crippled me from being able to have a job, have my own apartment (I am very grateful for my parents letting me stay with them), or from who I am inside, being able to break out of my cage. As my situation has been substantualy worse, this last year and a half, my personality, my passions, my gifts, have been ever more trapped inside my body. This leads into the following, below.

* * * * *

I need You, Lord, I need You!

Let there be life. Let there be life in me... and You are life. Let there be life in me, that they would come to know You! And You ARE life! That they would come to know LIFE! Let there be life in me, that they would come to know You more! And You ARE life! That they would come to know life MORE!

Let the world see YOU are God! Through my weakness, may the world see Your power! Through my inability, may the world see Your ability! Let the world see my weakness, so that anything You do, no one will be able to say it was by my power! May no one be able to say that Your works were done by anyone or anything else!

May I be completely free! Heal my heart, soul, mind, and body, so that I can be who I am for You! Heal me, so that I can sing and write music, so You can lead others to come to know You, and into ever deepening lifestyles of worship of You, through music. Father, may I be healed, so that I can be able to use my passion for orphans and abandoned children/adults, to serve You. Restore me, so I can fulfill my passions to be a voice for the voiceless, to write, to be the kind of leader I long to be, for You. Enable me to serve You in my draw to China, in my pull to Christian apologetics, and to be able to fully use the compassion that is built into me. Lord, heal me, so that I can use my deep, deep longing... to encourage... exhort... build up... and nurture... groups of people, teams, and individuals. May I be released from my chains, so that I can pursue my friends, my family, and people that don’t expect it. Father, heal me, so I can be able to use my passions and my gifts... every part of me for You!

Finnish the work You started in me! Thank You for allowing me to go through this, so You could direct and grow me, all You have! I am so grateful, for all You have taught me, and changed in me, through this time! If I must continue to go through struggle, for You to finish what You are doing in me, then let it go on as long as it needs to!

Finnish the work You started in me! May I be love as YOU are love. May I be grace as YOU are grace. May I be forgiveness as YOU are forgiveness. May I be a leader as YOU are a leader. Deepen my passion to be led by You, through others. Teach me how to tear down, and prevent division, and how to initiate, and grow unity. Continue to show me who You are, as my Father. Teach me how to be the kind of daughter, You want me to be to You.

I praise You, because You are able! I praise You, for Your powers and Your wonders!

I let go of everything. I am willing to loose everything, and everyone else, if it is what You see best. Take everything! Just give me YOU! Do whatever would make Your dreams come true! I LOVE You! Lord, May YOUR Will be Done... I LOVE You!

Wrote a Short Story with a Rhyme, Made For a Laugh

2009-07-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

Wrote a poem... a humorous ;) story, about a man who uses twitter. I just started using Twitter... guess it's been on my mind!

Twitterville

It started when he sat down flat, upon the seat on which he sat,

where he said "Aw stweet!" and made his first twitter,

upon his computer.

He kicked up his feet, and began to out twitter,

all of his twitter friends 'till they became bitter.

For he was a twitter bird who twittered all he ever heard.

He twittered like a toddler on a teeter-totter,

mindlessly telling of all his ups and downs.

'Till his twitter buds thought that he'd teetered too far.

They twittered "You're a twit!" He threw a fit,

went off twitter for all time,

and to this day, upon that chair he will not sit.

Then his ex-tweets twittered "Aw stweet, that's the end of it!"

Just When Nothing at All Seemed to Make Sense

2009-06-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

Does God only bring good things... out of some of our suffering? Or does God have good purposes... He brings out of all suffering?

What about the really horrible things? What about the things that just... don't... seem... to make sense?

This last year and a half of tears, has brought that question out in me a lot. Have you ever asked yourself that? "Does God have a reason, for absolutely each... and every pain... we endure?"

The answer is yes! God has planned in advance, purpose… that is GOOD, to bring out of every hardship we go through. In a previous post, I wrote to God:

“I know that out of my tough circumstances,
You will bring good out of it,
for You, me, and for others.
You made the UNIVERSE out of nothing.
So, You have the power to make good works out of what I have lost,
and what is no more.
You brought so MUCH good, out of the agony You took on at the cross.
So, You have the power to use how I am broken,
to bring good out of it for You, me and others.
You even have the power to use my sin,
as well as how I suffer from wrong choices,
so that people can come to know You.”

God loves both those who know Him, and those who don’t. God loves ALL people. This is a God, who’s love, dwarfs the size of the love, all humankind has ever felt, towards anyone and anything, combined! God dwarfs the universe! He is powerful enough to do all things. He made all things! In all His love, and in all His power, He will not restrain, in carrying out good things for us! He will do this through every one of our struggles, delights, and even each seemingly boring and pointless moment. Because He loves us enough to want to… and He is able to do what His love wants to do for us.

My last post, “A Song for Sunset Church,” addresses the question “Why would a GOOD God let BAD things happen?” The song below, on this post, deals with the question “Does God have a purpose for all our troubled times? …What about the things that just… don’t… make sense?”

The song below, is a song I have been working on, since Christmas. The song is about a concept, that my mother mentioned to me, around that time. The concept in this song, has been continuing to give me hope... and has been changing the way I think.

This song is sung a cappella. It is either sung by women and men, or only men. There are pros and cons about both options, but it is simple to change what key it is written in.

It is not a choral piece... it's sung one person per part. (Though I haven't counted how many parts there are yet. I can hear the harmonies and background in my head, but it varies how many people are singing, at different points of the song.)

Towards the end of the song, deep base drums will be added in, so it will not be truly a cappella at that point. ;)

Jesus is God, and has always existed. But He chose to come to Earth, in the form of a human baby. Jesus chose a person named Mary, to be His earthly mother, and give birth to Him.

The song begins, just after Jesus had been killed on the cross, and shortly before He came back to life. The song starts, just after Jesus had been taken off the cross and layed in His mother, Mary's, arms.

Meant to Save the World

***

Still.

***

Hushed.

***

Dead.

***

Crushed.

***

Lying limp

in His mother's arms.

***

Mary

***

seething

***

the sobs of

***

a mother.

***

She cries out

"Why?"

***

Nothing at all

***

seemed

***

to make

***

sense.

***

She

remembers.

***

She remembers the angel that met with her.

and the words the angel said.

She remembers the great multitude of angels

the shepherds told her of.

She remembers the miracle of virgin birth.

She remembers the blazing star

in the midnight sky

that led the wise men to her child,

bringing gold and other gifts of worth.

Oh, she

remembers

her son had walked on water!

Oh, she

remembers

her son had healed the blind!

Her son had healed the blind!

Her son proclaimed the truth!

Oh, she

remembers

He'd turned water into wine!

She

remembers

even the sea was stilled

by the words that He had said!

By the words that He had said!

Her son had driven out demons

and raised Lazarus from the dead!

***

Then He's hanging

the cross

and just when

her

son

needed her the most

she couldn't wipe away

the tears

cried.

***

She remembers

all that He had done.

She wonders

all He would have done

had it not been

her son

who'd died.

***

Nothing made sense.

When nothing made sense.

Just when nothing at all

seemed to make sense.

Nothing made sense.

When nothing made sense.

Nothing made sense.

When nothing made sense.

Just when nothing at all

seemed to make

sense,

***

it was meant to save

***

the world!

***

Lord in all of Your power

You will pour out good

through all the things we are suffering through

because You love us enough

to do all that You

all that You as God

all that You as God are able to do!

***

Lord in all of Your power

You will pour out good

through all the things we are suffering through

because You love us enough

to do all that You

all that You as God

all that You as God are able to do!

***

No heart can comprehend! No!

No dreamer can imagine

all You have done

and will do in secret

through the things we suffer!

***

No eyes have seen! No lips could tell!

No human mind can fathom

all that we have yet to see

that we will get to see

that You will be doing

for the rest of all time

through the things we suffer!

***

No heart can comprehend! No!

No dreamer can imagine!

No eyes have seen! No lips could tell!

No human mind can fathom

all You have done

are doing now

and have yet to do

for forever and ever

and ever and ever

for

the sake of us!

***

And just when nothing at all seemed to make sense

it was meant to save the world!

***

About two thousand years later

Oh I am barely hanging in

there

and I am at

loss

of seeing how

You could bring

anything good

through my hangin' on.

***

But as the nails tore

Your

flesh

each time You rose

and

sank

to take

each

breath

***

You were hanging on

there

hanging on

the

cross

and You could see

everything

You would bring

through Your hangin' on.

***

I cry out

"God

God

don't You hear

my cry?"

***

I shake

an angry

fist

asking

"Why

God

why?"

***

With my human eyes

oh how

wonder

what purposes

You could bring

out of my broken story.

***

But Your all seeing eyes

saw all the wonders

You saw all the wonders

You would bring out through the cross

in all Your glory!

***

You were bringing the hope

of freedom

hope of freedom from our stains

from the foolish things we do!

You were bringing hope

of Heaven!

Heaven!

You were bringing the hope

of You!

Bringing the hope of You!

***

So when my life is a puzzle

is a puzzle

I remember

that just when nothing at all seemed

to make

sense

it was meant

to save

the world!

***

{deep base drums come in here}

Lord in all of Your power
Lord in all of Your power
You will pour out good
You will pour out good
through all the things we are suffering through
because You love us enough
because You love us enough
to do all that You
all that You as God
all that You as God are able to do!

***

No heart can comprehend! No!
No dreamer can imagine
all You have done
and will do in secret
through the things we suffer!
***
No eyes have seen! No lips could tell!
No human mind can fathom
all that we have yet to see
that we will get to see
that You will be doing
for the rest of all time
through the things we suffer!
***
No heart can comprehend! No!
No dreamer can imagine!
No eyes have seen! No lips could tell!
No human mind can fathom
all You have done
are doing now
and have yet to do
for forever and ever
and ever and ever
for
the sake of us!

***

{During the next verse, the following two lines are sung once.}

I praise You for Your power

and I praise You for Your love!

***
No heart can comprehend! No!
No dreamer can imagine!
No eyes have seen! No lips could tell!
No human mind can fathom
all You have done
are doing now
and have yet to do
for forever and ever
and ever and ever
for
the sake of us!
Just when nothing at all seemed

to make

sense

***
it was meant to save

***

the world!

A Song for Sunset Church

2009-06-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

We have been watching an interesting story unfold, at our church. For over a year now, at Sunset, there has been an increase in the amount of things and people we care about dying. In the wake of a dying economy, so many people at our church, have been deeply touched by the death of a job, or hour reductions. There are many people, who are experiencing the intense suffering, of their marriages dying. There are those who have experienced the death of their bodies' health in some way. There have been deaths of immediate family members, relatives and friends.

Maybe you are walking through the death of the ability to fulfill a dream. Maybe you know the loss of a friendship that has died or the death of freedom from mental disabilities. Weather you attend Sunset or not, what is it in your life that has died?

In a previous post "Some Things were Born to Die, that there Might be LIFE!," I wrote to God: "So much has died in my life. You have been using the desperation this has produced, for me to seek to know who You are more, Your character, Your attributes. The more I am discovering and being reminded of about You, the more I am discovering how deep, how endlessly wide, how awesome this LIFE is that is YOU."

God uses death, to draw us closer to Him who is LIFE.

Because of all that has died throughout my lifetime, I struggle with a deep fear of loss. The song "Lost in All You Are," which I put up on a different post, adds another angle, to the knowledge that God is life. The theme of "Lost in All You Are," is that all that has ever been, is, and will ever be combined... amounts to less than nothing, when it stands before ALL GOD IS. The song highlights, that EVERYTHING God is... is life. Therefor, for those who know the Lord, there is NO fear in the death and loss of what we love. Because even if all that had ever been, is, and will ever be, died and was lost... it would all amount to less than nothing, when compared to ALL GOD IS. And everything God is... is LIFE.

Below is a song. It focuses on the truth, that some things were born to die, so that there would be life. It focuses on the truth, that God is life. All of us have experienced someone, or something we love, die. If you are someone who attends Sunset Church, I wrote this song with you particularly in mind.

We have been watching an interesting story unfold, at our church. God has meant the death we have known, to draw us deeper into Him... who IS life. And we will not be disappointed, because He who is life, overwhelms all else.

That there Would be Life

***

Images of tiny fingers

that never had the chance to reach

to grasp my fingers fast.

To grasp mine fast.

***

What would it have been like

to watch him living?

Never had a chance

to know just who he was.

***

Images of the very first breath

never taken.

Never had the chance

to breathe his last.

***

You

had a plan

that You had from the beginning.

That through all I love

who have died and that has died

some

things

some things were born to die

so that there would be

so that there would be life.

***

Images of robbed innocence

a friend left in the dust

a widow's shaking shoulders

of the wake left behind the lust.

***

Images of the man she loves

running from home

with her quivering heart.

***

Images of a layed off parent

overwhelmed

at all it takes

just tryin' to stay alive.

***

Images of an abandoned daughter

to hurt to wonder

what it would be like

to have

father.

***

Images of a broken child

down on his knees

who'd rather take his life

than just tryin' to survive.

***

You

had a plan

that You had from the beginning

that through all I love

who have died and that has died

some

things

some things were born to die

so that there would be

so that there would be life.

***

Some things were born to die

that we would be drawn deeper into You

and You are life

that we would be drawn deeper into life.

***

Because of who You are

You are hope! You are joy! You are peace! You are freedom!

You are life!

***

You are so much more

than all that has died throughout all time!

You overwhelm

all that could ever die!

You are so much more! You are so much more! You overwhelm!

And You are life!

***

You died to draw us nearer to You

and You are life!

You died to draw us nearer to life!

***

Images of You God upon a cross.

You who are life

breathing in Your last.

***

Images of You who believes so deeply

in bringing life through death

that You chose to be born to suffer and die

***

that the whole world would have breath

***

and we would breathe in life at last!

***

Images of a grave with a body gone!

On Easter morning

You rose again!

Now life has spoken!

***

Images of the breaking rays of dawn

when death itself

was broken!

***

You are life

and life has triumphed

over death forever!

You are The One

Who is Mighty to Save

and You

have conquered

the grave!

***

Some things

some things were born to die

so that there would be

so that there would be life!

***

You are life

and when I come to You

I come to life!

***

I come to life!

***

Some things

some things were born to die

so that there would be

so that there would be life!

***

You are life

and when I come to You

I come to life!

***

I come to life!

***

You are life!

I come to You!

I come to life!

***

I come to life!

***

I come to You!

I come to life!

***

I come to life!

Come Running

2009-05-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

One of the songs that's been percolating in my mind now for a while, was bubbling in me today. So, today I sat down with God, and worked on it. I'm excited that the lyrics are now completed, and that the melody seems to be done as well. All I have right now are the melody and the lyrics, so I'm looking forward to adding more to it. I have enough though, to pray that it will be used for what I really wrote it for, here on my blog.

This song focuses, on how God loves all people. Weather we're a little girl playing princess, or we're someone who murdered a thousand people, God wants to intimately be our Father. Whatever we've done, or are doing wrong, weather we know the Lord or not, God wants desperately for us to draw close to Him.

If we choose to come to Him, God is our home here on Earth and in Heaven. Right here, right now, we get to come, and call Him home.

Come Running

***

Who is this God

who comes running

falling down upon His knees

arms open wide

saying come

child come

just as you are?

***

Who is this God

there hanging

from the nails upon the cross

arms open wide

saying come

child come

just as you are?

***

Who is this Father

hands shaking

eyes quivering with tears

He's crying on behalf of me

saying come

child come

just as you are?

***

Who is this Father

who'd give His son

in a Father's desperate love

to suffer on behalf of me

saying come

child come

just as you are

***

So come!

Come just as you are!

So come just as you are!

***

So come!

Come running

arms open wide

falling down upon your knees

to meet Him there

lost in His embrace!

***

So come!

Come dancing!

Wipe the tears upon His face

that He's crying as He waits

for you just to call Him home!

***

So come just as you are!

Come just as you are!

So come!

***

I come

come running!

I come arms open wide

falling down upon my knees

to meet You there!

Lost in Your embrace

I come just as I am!

***

I come

come dancing!

I wipe the tears upon Your face

that You're crying in a Father's desperate love

and I call You home!

***

I come!

I come and call You Father!

My Father!

I come and call You friend!

My friend!

I come just as I am!

Just as I am!

Just as I am I call You home!

My home!

I come and call You home!

***

I come and call You home!

***

I come and call You home!

***

I come and call You home!

***

I come and call You home!

Lost In All You Are

2009-03-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

Jay McKenney, our worship minister at Sunset Church, is urging people at Sunset to offer songs they have composed, to use in our services. I am aware of a number of people in my circle, who compose in private. If you have a song you have written, or would enjoy sitting down to write, I would LOVE to hear what's been going on in your head, in a way that God, I and others get to benefit from.

I have decided to participate in this, but in a little different way. For perhaps over half of my lifetime, my health conditions have not allowed me to bring to completion the music I compose. The in the moment songs or music pieces I create, are completed constantly. But these music pieces are fleeting, coming into my mind, sung out or played on our electric piano, then disappear. However, the pieces I work on long term, I continually end up without the ability to bring to completion. Composing comes easily for me, but my disabilities have for years gotten in the way of my bringing my stuff to completion. That might not make sense to you, but keep in mind that for years brushing my teeth, reading a book or sending an email, have been tremendously difficult for me, because of disabilities. So, I have decided to participate, in a different way.

I deeply desire for others to share with me, in worshiping God, through the music I create. So, below are the lyrics to a song I just finished the lyrics to. The instrumental back round has been moving forward. The melody for the words is pretty much completed, but has some bubbles to work out. The song is called "Lost In All You Are."

This song focuses on how God is SO MUCH MORE than everything else combined. How even if everything was lost, those who know the Lord would still have unfathomably more, in God.

Lost In All You Are

***

(lead vocal... not decided if man or woman)

When You rise

The mountains bow their summits to the ground

When You stand

Mighty forests of old drop like splinters to the earth

***

At the glory of

At the glory of the Lord

***

When You shine

The stars fall from the skies

To the depths of the ocean floors

When You breathe

The oceans raise their foaming peaks to praise You

***

At the glory of

At the glory of the Lord

***

Every glacier plummeting into the sea

Each imploding star

All mankind that is, that have been born and that have yet to be

Every choir of angels, crying out the anthem of Your love

The whole of all the universe

All that is, and was, and that has yet to be

***

Everything fades into less than nothing

As it stands before all You are

***

And when everything is gone

All that's lost fades into less than nothing

As it stands before all You are

When all is lost

I'm lost in all You are

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost in You

When all is lost

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost in all You are

***

(mens' choir joins in singing with lead vocal, when last verse is repeated second time)

***

(after second repetition of last verse, lead vocal stops singing and childrens' choir joins with verse below... mens' choir continues repeating the verse they were singing)

(childrens' choir)

Great leaders bend their knees

Angels tremble as they worship You

Demons skater to the farthest reaches of the shadows

At the whisper of Your name

***

Childrens' lips sing out Your praises

Distant island nations glorify Your name

All creation bows before You

***

At the glory of

At the glory of the Lord

***

(after childrens' choir completes first repetition of their verse, womens' choir joins in with a new verse as mens' choir and childrens' choir continue to repeat their parts)

(womens' choir)

Lost in wonder of You

In breathless worship I bow my life before You

In giddy joy, in bliss, in thrill

I know the laughter of the deep

***

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost

In all You are

And everything You are

Is life

***

(All parts repeat again as lead vocal joins in the song again vocalizing. During this same repetition, after the lead vocal joins in, all instruments become suddenly silent. All parts continue to be sung a cappella during instrumental silence. When that repetition completes, instruments come back in meeting the crescendo. All parts repeat, breaking off at different points, to join in singing round the verse below.)

And when everything is gone

All that's lost fades into less than nothing

As it stands before all You are

When all is lost

I'm lost in all You are

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost in You

When all is lost

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost in all You are

And everything You are

Is life

***

(After all parts sing this round twice, each part stops singing after their second repetition of this verse ends. Just as lead vocal is about to become the last one to finish singing their part, all instruments suddenly cease, except for a low rumble. Lead vocal sings softly, voice filled with awe, what is written below.)

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost in all you are

(low rumble fades and lead vocal completes singing, in a soft voice filled with awe, what is written below)

And everything You are

Is Life

Here I Am!

2009-03-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

Lord, it is HARD for me to surrender absolutely everything to You! So often, I feel like I've already lost so much, I don't want to loose any more. So often I feel like I've been crushed so much, I just can't... take... any... more!

Remind me constantly of what You did for me at the cross! You have been reminding me, that before You went through all You did at the cross, You, Jesus, asked Your Father to take this cup from You. In other words, You were asking Your Father to not have You go through the horrors of the cross.

You, Jesus, are fully God. I know that You Jesus, the Father and Holy Spirit, are all part of one God. Yet, even though You, Jesus are fully God, and had complete ability to not go to the cross if You chose not to, You told Your Father that You wanted HIS will.

Jesus, You submitted to Your Father's will because You love Him! You also submitted to Your Father's will because You love us! What You went through on the cross for us, brought us peace, hope, joy, comfort, relief, healing.

Help me to follow Your example, of surrendering to You, out of my love for You, and my love for others. I know that out of my tough circumstances, You will bring good out of it, for You, me, and for others. You made the UNIVERSE out of nothing. So, You have the power to make good works out of what I have lost, and what is no more. You brought so MUCH good, out of the agony You took on at the cross. So, You have the power to use how I am broken, to bring good out of it for You, me and others. You even have the power to use my sin, as well as how I suffer from wrong choices, so that people can come to know You.

For possibly over half a year now, I have often been at a place where I may be literally incapable of surrendering everything to You. During this time, You have been teaching me about the impossible surrender. When it is impossible for me to surrender to You in some way, ALL things are possible for You. When I get to that place, of being unable to surrender something to You, all I have to do is say yes, and You will meet me there and make it possible for me.

So, Jesus, in mirroring how You cried out to Your Father before You went to the cross, Lord, please, deliver me from my needs. But if it is Your will for me to be in this place, then even if I am not capable of surrendering absolutely everything to You right now, I simply say yes, and know that You will meet me here and You will make me able to surrender to You right now. So I say yes. Here I am!

Lord, You died for us. I wrote in a poem, that I posted on my blog: "Love died for those who hated Him. Love died for those who killed Him on the cross." Help me to love the world as You love the world.

Out of my love for You and people, if it is best for You and others, then deliver me from my need. But, out of my love for You and people, let me stay in this place of need, if it is best for You and others. Lord, if it is best for You and others, for me to be more broken than this, then out of my love for You and people, may I be even more crushed than this.

If it is best for me to suffer, then through my suffering, may others be comforted. Through my brokenness, may people be made whole. May I be crushed, so that they would be healed. May I have loss, so they would find hope. May I know pain, so they would find relief, so they would find truth, so they would be restored, so they would come to know You.

I love You more than all things. So, may Your will be done in all things. If it is Your will for me to know struggle, then in all Your love, and You are love, poor out Your good works for the sake of You, for the sake of me, and for the sake of others. Out of my love for You and people, I ask You, in all Your power You have as GOD, carry out Your good works, and don't... hold back... in anything!

Some Things Were Born to Die, That there Might be LIFE!

2009-03-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

Lord, You have been showing me this year, that some things were born to die, so that there might be life. Weather it is a person who dies, a dream that dies, a friendship, a marriage, a financial situation, someone's state of health, or a longing that can't be fulfilled, it is all meant to draw us deeper into life. And You ARE life. When things die, You use death, to draw us closer to YOU.

As Easter has been approaching, You have been crystallizing in my mind, that You are the perfect example of this! You, the God who has always existed, came to Earth, to be born as one of us, though You were still fully God. You were born to die... so that we would have LIFE. And You are life! You died to draw us closer to You... to draw us closer to LIFE!

So much has died in my life. You have been using the desperation this has produced, for me to seek to know who You are more, Your character, Your attributes. The more I am discovering and being reminded of about You, the more I am discovering how deep, how endlessly wide, how awesome this LIFE is that is YOU.

Though You have been teaching and reminding me about You, it has been such a struggle for me to feel life, even though You have been showing me HOW MUCH this life is that You are. Lately, You have been really deepening my ability to feel life, but that feeling of life flees from me so easily, still. Ingrain in me, down to every last fiber of my being, the knowledge of who You are, how I should respond to that with my heart, mind, body, sole and the way I live... and the ability to FEEL all the LIFE THAT YOU ARE.

Because of who You are, You are hope, You are love, You are peace! Because of who You are, I have freedom, victory, a joy that's bigger than I am, because You are so much bigger than I am!

When You died on the cross, You didn't just die to bring us life, You rose from the dead! You conquered death! You have complete power over death, to either prevent it, or allow it to draw us closer to You who is life.

When the rays of dawn broke the sky, that first Easter morning, death itself was broken. You are forever Author of Salvation! You conquered the grave, to save me from death. You died to draw me closer to You... and everything You are... is... LIFE!

So, this Easter, remind me that some things were born to die, that there might... be... LIFE! And You are LIFE! So, draw me closer! I come near! Draw me closer to LIFE!

Just When it Seems I'm Helpless, the All-Power is on MY Side

2009-03-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

Lord, I have been struggling lately with the feeling of helplessness. So many things are out of my control! I've been watching my life falling apart, and I don't have the power to better my circumstances. I'm watching my family suffer, and I don't have the ability to meet their needs. I've been watching many I care about, outside my family, hurting. I pray for these people and try to do what I can, but there is so much I can't fix. I am so small, and the needs are so big.

Lord, keep reminding me, that just when it seems I'm helpless, You, the All-Power, are on my side. You've been working on ingraining it in me. But, I'm so human. It's so hard for me to remember and grasp, how big You are.

Yet, I know, that the angels are beneath Your feet. I know, that the whole of all the demons, are beneath Your feet. All the great rulers, of every nation, are beneath You.

Who could fight You and win? Who could stand against You, and overcome You? Every army of angels, demons and mankind combined, could not stand against You and overtake You.

What forces of nature could You not overpower? All is beneath You, and You are above all.

Remind me, that just when it seems I'm helpless, the All-Power is on my side. Remind me, that when I am faced with spiritual warfare, people standing against me or the struggles of all sorts of suffering, Your hand is on my head, in the day of battle.

When I cry out to You, You hear me. When I cry out to You, You listen to me. When I cry out to You, You ANSWER me. And You will always answer in the ways that are BEST, in all Your complete wisdom, knowledge and ability to see into the past, present and future. When You answer me, You will always answer me with all Your love, that is the unfathomable measure of love that You as GOD have for me, for those in my life, and for the world. You will always answer, in all Your power that You have as GOD, in the ways that You see best.

Remind me, that just when it seems I'm helpless, the All-Power is on MY side. The All-Power is on MY side.

The Reality that IS!

2009-02-28T15:31:00.000-08:00

Lord, throughout my life, I have experienced a lot of suffering. This last year, which has been full of so many heavy things for me, has left me reeling and sapped of what little strength I had left. Life has come at me fast, knocked me down, and left me gasping for hope. Even though I know You, Lord, it has left me feeling so little of that constant peace, joy, excitement and awe that comes from knowing You.

You have been showing me a concept about hope. This concept has become more clear than it has ever been, yet is hardest for me to remember and hardest for me to grasp.

In this concept, You have been teaching me to look at who You are, Your character and attributes. So, keep teaching and reminding me who You are. Continually remind me that the Bible says that You are love. I know I will never fully know the depths, the heights, the reaches of Your love. I will spend the rest of ALL eternity trying to comprehend what Your love looks like and how awesome it is. Remind me of Your wisdom and knowledge. No matter how much knowledge I gain, or how much I grow in wisdom, I will eternally know less than nothing, compared to the vast expanse of all... You... know. Remind me about Your goodness, that You are utterly and completely flawless. You are good in the most whole sense, pure to perfection. A million years from now in eternity, and endlessly beyond that, I will always be trying, yet forever unable, to fully wrap my mind around HOW MUCH You have done and will do in all Your goodness. All Your good works will continue to be carried out in Your amazing love, and Your power that for all time I will only barely be able to grasp. Since the list goes on and on, continue to reveal to me who You are.

So, since I will always be getting to know You more, and will never be able to have a full grasp of who You are, You are for me a JOY, that will eternally grow. You are my LIFE, forever deepening. You are my EXCITEMENT, that will continually swell forever. You are my HOPE, a HOPE that is already here, and will expand forever.

You are the complete, fullest amount of this HOPE, this JOY, now. You don't grow. My understanding of You does. So, when I don't feel much of that HOPE, JOY and WONDER, the greatest amount of it that could ever exist, still exists. In the times that I don't feel it much, it's just that I'm human, I have trouble grasping You.

So, help me to grasp You! May the great HOPE that You are, change my heart, my mind, my relationship with You and how I live.

By Your hand, may I dive in, to the WONDERS, the AWE, the THRILL of ALL... YOU... ARE! May I spend the rest of eternity, just trying to fathom, the reality that IS!

When Love Was Born

2008-12-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight I craved to worship God by writing a Christmas themed song for Him. It didn't end up being a song, but a poem. I ended up focusing on the purpose of the first Christmas, the reason why Christ was born.

When Love Was Born

***

When Love was born, He drew His first breath,

a breath that can breathe the universe into existence

and breathe calm into souls.

Those fragile infant's lips, that breathe a love into me, that take my breath away.

***

When Love was born, He lifted His lashes to see the world,

to foresee the world, and He foresaw me.

Love saw me injured, though I had not yet come to be,

and Love began the journey to set me free.

***

A Father's Son to die for me,

Love was born to die, so that life would be born in me.

The Love that has always been was born,

to bring me into the Love that will always be.

***

Love died for those who hated Him.

Love died for those who killed Him on the cross.

Love was crushed for me, but not destroyed,

and offered me what should have been my greatest loss.

***

Love's hands that can move mountains, the hands that can move souls,

were submitted to the nails, and hammered to the tree.

Love died for the loving and for the farthest reaches of depravity.

So may I love all the world as He has lived and died for me.

***

Love was born, so that He would rise from the dead.

Love was born so that the dead would rise.

Where Love enters in, hope is secured,

in death's own demise.

***

Love has reached for me.

Love has come for me.

Hope has drawn me near.

Love has found me.

***

Love has not forgotten me.

My Sister

2008-12-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

That's right, I have a sister! Well, technically she's my cousin. But I like to call her my sister!

Elena is so much like me, we could be clones. First of all, if you take pictures of us at the age of two, five, ten and so on, we look so much alike at the same ages. We also have a lot in common.

For instance, we both like challenge, writing and story making, drawing, reading and spending time with people.

We also both enjoy playing instruments. Elena loved playing violin, but is wanting to try out taking guitar lessons. I had the pleasure of getting to hear her play her violin, and she did so well. She was fun to listen to. I played the flute briefly, but the piano's the one that stuck! I haven't taken piano lessons yet... but would love to! I've delighted in the piano since I was about five.

We each have enjoyed singing in choirs. In fact, Elena just got excepted into the Honor Choir at her school!

Elena has been on a swim team for a long time. That's one place we're different, but she LOVES doing it!

Elena, I am so glad that I have the privilege of getting to know who you are. I look forward to continuing to get to know you!

The "WITH" Factor

2008-12-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

Everyone who knows me well knows that I am a huggy person. My family has long joked that I am like a puppy. They say that when I see someone I know, my tail starts wagging. Back when I could walk well in my healthier state, my family would see my tail winding up at my sighting someone, and they would always know I was about to barrel someone over with a hug.

Despite the fact that I like giving and being on the receiving end of hugs, something unusual happened to me, a number of months ago, through which I have been growing a lot. I had been hurting, and didn't feel like being hugged or held by anyone, including God. I had already learned to come to Him and rest in Him, snuggle into His arms from time to time. But during this time, I was pulling away from letting God hold me.

During this time, I was taken by surprise when all of a sudden I felt God holding me. I didn't feel His arms physically around me, but I felt Him wrap His arms around my soul. A huge warmth filled me, and my soul was stilled. I was overwhelmed by a huge relief. If I remember right, this happened about three times. Each time I thought I didn't want to draw near to Him like that. But each time, I discovered it was exactly what I wanted.

Since then, I've been purposely coming to Him to let myself sink into His arms, more than ever before. I've also realized that every time I come to Him to be held, He ALWAYS holds me. Everything I described above, being stilled, the warmth, the relief, He gives me each time. I don't know how He does it, but I feel Him draw me so close. It's like He's just waiting for me to come to Him.

This has presented for me some questions. I want more of this. Even though I am working on coming to His arms over and over throughout each day, how else can I experience a more intimate relationship with God? How else can I draw near to Him and how should it effect my entire life differently?

As I have been continuing to call out to God to teach me about these things, these questions have been exciting me with answers! I have been learning about the "with" factor. Take for example the city sidewalk scenario. The sidewalks are bustling with people. People are often walking next to you or standing around you, waiting for the light to change at a corner. But those people walking next to you are not walking with you. Your friend that you are going to that coffee place with is walking with you. So, what does it mean for someone to be walking with you? It means that you are sharing the moment together. You don't have to speak to do this, though conversation is one way.

I've been learning to share the moment with God, by observing the functional relationships in my life. In these friendships, I enjoy getting to rejoice along with people in their joys and hurt with them through their pain. I can also come to these friends in my excitement or struggles, and have the joy of them sharing in these things with me. So, I've been practicing more of coming to God with my hopes, fears, passions, brokenness and joys. I silently bring these things to Him, knowing that He is hurting with me, He is excited with me. I experience these things along with Him.

I am also working on intimately rejoicing with God in what He has joy about, grieving with God in what grieves Him, being excited with God about what He gets excited about and sharing with Him in His passions.

I have also been striving more to come to God as I am, in my sin, doubts and embarrassing parts of me. Instead of shying away from Him in these things, I've been making an effort to experience these things with Him more, remembering that He cares about those things and has compassion about those things, too.

In Hebrew, Immanuel means "God is with us." The Immanuel came the first Christmas and pursued us all the way to the cross. God is still pursuing us. God is always with us. How much are we with Him?

Unusual Family Photos

2008-12-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving day, we took family pictures. We decided to have fun with the picture process. The result was quite humorous! Here are some of my favorite pictures...

How Far it Reaches

2008-11-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered if anything you're doing is making a difference? Chances are, if you're not wondering that now, you probably have at some point and probably will again. I know I've been asking myself that lately. Why do we do that? Because when we do something for someone, weather it's a prayer lifted in secret, listening to a friend or reaching out to someone in need, we can never in this lifetime really know how far it reaches.

Since questions like these are such a part of being human, I desired to let you know how many of you have made such a valued impact in my life over the last year. For those of you who don't know, I have been in a time of great and quickly increasing need, for about a year now. Before I go into how I have been impacted by you, I would like to take the time to recognise many of you.

Those of you who were in choir with me, before I had to pull out due to health, have blown me away by your support! You have sent me emails and group signed two cards for me! I am continually encouraged by how many times my father has come home from a church service or choir rehearsal, and told me one of you has asked about me. (I have asked numerous people to try to figure out which one of you gave me the flowers. Since I still don't know, I would like to thank you here for your comforting gift.)

I am told of how others of you, in the Worship and Creative Arts community, have been praying for me, during devotions at rehearsals.

There are those of you who have come to visit me (which is appreciated far more than I know how to put into words)!

For those of you who have said you are praying for me, have sent me encouraging emails or cards, continually checked in on me through emailing my mother, you don't know how much I hold on to these things for comfort.

My family, you have so willingly gone out of your way for me in so many ways. Weather it has been to physically support me to my next destination or to pray for me, I treasure these gifts. Particularly you, Mom. You have put so much of your life on hold, to take care of my needs.

The impact you've made? As you have been pursuing after me, God has been continuing to reassure me that He has not forgotten me. I continually list off in my mind, specific times you have reached out to me, to remind me that God is walking through this with me, that God is pursuing me, through you.

God has been using the fact that, because of my level of physical and inner ability right now, I can do little more than pray for others. I am still praying for you, Worship and Creative Arts ministry! It is an absolute delight and joy to me to get to pray for you! You and others that God has told me to pray for, are being lifted up in prayer, throughout each day. I have been for a while, at a place where I feel like I have no... strength... left, from a year of fighting, yet growing worse. This means that I often have to struggle to pray, even though it is a deep desire and joy to me to do so. It's amazing how a single email, or simply finding out someone asked about me at church, lifts me up so much! Things like this, and the other ways you have reached out, give me the strength to continue this ministry of prayer.

Did you know that sometimes your emails make me cry... good tears, because of how encouraged I am (Jay)? Did you know how often I revisit your encouraging emails? Did you know that some of your emails have been God inspired, having just what I need to hear?

The love that you have been showing me has been a comfort and a healing balm. You have set an example for me, and I desire to strive to grow in doing for you and others, what you have been doing for me!

If you are wondering if anything you are doing is making a difference, don't give up! You will never in this life time know how far it reaches!

Welcome to my first blog!

2008-11-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog! I thought it might be fun to launch this by sharing some interesting (and rather odd) quirks that I have. If you know me, you probably didn't know about these. Just for the sake of getting to know me and for humor's sake!

Well, there's the one about sun glasses. Whenever I wear sun glasses (for some reason that I can't explain), the shades making my vision darker makes me think that people can't hear me as well. This makes me speak louder.

I have the unfortunate habit of running into walls. Yes, this even includes the walls in my own home. I should know they are there! There was even a point in middle school, when a "Hi!" was exchanged between a guy I liked and me and I ran into a wall.

When I am extremely happy, my feet wiggle like a dog wagging its tail.

I can play songs by blowing on my hands.

I enjoy reading the dictionary. Learning new words, their definitions and the origins, is fun for me. I can sit down with a dictionary in one hand and a thesaurus in my other hand and have a wonderful time.

For years, I have also had the strange reflex of clapping my hands repeatedly, when something startles me.

Now, I can't think of anything else unusual to share about me at the moment, but I thought it would be good to end this post by mentioning something. Since I have had poor health conditions over this last year, I'm not sure if I'll end up only able to write a post once a month. However, I hope I will be able to write something every other day. Guess I'll have to wait and see.