About a year and a half ago, the disabilities that I already had (Generalized Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress) suddenly flared up overwhelmingly. This threw me into a new one, Panic Disorder. Panic Disorder threw my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (caused by traumas in my past), and the other disorders into something that has absolutely crippled me. This, and the consistent panic attacks throughout every day, ended up causing me to be house bound, for the last year. I dropped out of all activities, except councilor and doctor appointments. Since Christmas, I have been able to attend the Worship and Creative Arts rehearsals most weeks at my church, as a member of their prayer team. Other than that, I have mostly been bound to my room. The panic and anxiety has often made it hard for me to get food down, causing loss of weight, and sometimes needing people to support me walking, from lack of ability to get nutrition. These disabilities have long crippled me from being able to have a job, have my own apartment (I am very grateful for my parents letting me stay with them), or from who I am inside, being able to break out of my cage. As my situation has been substantualy worse, this last year and a half, my personality, my passions, my gifts, have been ever more trapped inside my body. This leads into the following, below.
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I need You, Lord, I need You!
Let there be life. Let there be life in me... and You are life. Let there be life in me, that they would come to know You! And You ARE life! That they would come to know LIFE! Let there be life in me, that they would come to know You more! And You ARE life! That they would come to know life MORE!
Let the world see YOU are God! Through my weakness, may the world see Your power! Through my inability, may the world see Your ability! Let the world see my weakness, so that anything You do, no one will be able to say it was by my power! May no one be able to say that Your works were done by anyone or anything else!
May I be completely free! Heal my heart, soul, mind, and body, so that I can be who I am for You! Heal me, so that I can sing and write music, so You can lead others to come to know You, and into ever deepening lifestyles of worship of You, through music. Father, may I be healed, so that I can be able to use my passion for orphans and abandoned children/adults, to serve You. Restore me, so I can fulfill my passions to be a voice for the voiceless, to write, to be the kind of leader I long to be, for You. Enable me to serve You in my draw to China, in my pull to Christian apologetics, and to be able to fully use the compassion that is built into me. Lord, heal me, so that I can use my deep, deep longing... to encourage... exhort... build up... and nurture... groups of people, teams, and individuals. May I be released from my chains, so that I can pursue my friends, my family, and people that don’t expect it. Father, heal me, so I can be able to use my passions and my gifts... every part of me for You!
Finnish the work You started in me! Thank You for allowing me to go through this, so You could direct and grow me, all You have! I am so grateful, for all You have taught me, and changed in me, through this time! If I must continue to go through struggle, for You to finish what You are doing in me, then let it go on as long as it needs to!
Finnish the work You started in me! May I be love as YOU are love. May I be grace as YOU are grace. May I be forgiveness as YOU are forgiveness. May I be a leader as YOU are a leader. Deepen my passion to be led by You, through others. Teach me how to tear down, and prevent division, and how to initiate, and grow unity. Continue to show me who You are, as my Father. Teach me how to be the kind of daughter, You want me to be to You.
I praise You, because You are able! I praise You, for Your powers and Your wonders!
I let go of everything. I am willing to loose everything, and everyone else, if it is what You see best. Take everything! Just give me YOU! Do whatever would make Your dreams come true! I LOVE You! Lord, May YOUR Will be Done... I LOVE You!
