Everyone who knows me well knows that I am a huggy person. My family has long joked that I am like a puppy. They say that when I see someone I know, my tail starts wagging. Back when I could walk well in my healthier state, my family would see my tail winding up at my sighting someone, and they would always know I was about to barrel someone over with a hug.Despite the fact that I like giving and being on the receiving end of hugs, something unusual happened to me, a number of months ago, through which I have been growing a lot. I had been hurting, and didn't feel like being hugged or held by anyone, including God. I had already learned to come to Him and rest in Him, snuggle into His arms from time to time. But during this time, I was pulling away from letting God hold me.
During this time, I was taken by surprise when all of a sudden I felt God holding me. I didn't feel His arms physically around me, but I felt Him wrap His arms around my soul. A huge warmth filled me, and my soul was stilled. I was overwhelmed by a huge relief. If I remember right, this happened about three times. Each time I thought I didn't want to draw near to Him like that. But each time, I discovered it was exactly what I wanted.
Since then, I've been purposely coming to Him to let myself sink into His arms, more than ever before. I've also realized that every time I come to Him to be held, He ALWAYS holds me. Everything I described above, being stilled, the warmth, the relief, He gives me each time. I don't know how He does it, but I feel Him draw me so close. It's like He's just waiting for me to come to Him.
This has presented for me some questions. I want more of this. Even though I am working on coming to His arms over and over throughout each day, how else can I experience a more intimate relationship with God? How else can I draw near to Him and how should it effect my entire life differently?
As I have been continuing to call out to God to teach me about these things, these questions have been exciting me with answers! I have been learning about the "with" factor. Take for example the city sidewalk scenario. The sidewalks are bustling with people. People are often walking next to you or standing around you, waiting for the light to change at a corner. But those people walking next to you are not walking with you. Your friend that you are going to that coffee place with is walking with you. So, what does it mean for someone to be walking with you? It means that you are sharing the moment together. You don't have to speak to do this, though conversation is one way.
I've been learning to share the moment with God, by observing the functional relationships in my life. In these friendships, I enjoy getting to rejoice along with people in their joys and hurt with them through their pain. I can also come to these friends in my excitement or struggles, and have the joy of them sharing in these things with me. So, I've been practicing more of coming to God with my hopes, fears, passions, brokenness and joys. I silently bring these things to Him, knowing that He is hurting with me, He is excited with me. I experience these things along with Him.
I am also working on intimately rejoicing with God in what He has joy about, grieving with God in what grieves Him, being excited with God about what He gets excited about and sharing with Him in His passions.
I have also been striving more to come to God as I am, in my sin, doubts and embarrassing parts of me. Instead of shying away from Him in these things, I've been making an effort to experience these things with Him more, remembering that He cares about those things and has compassion about those things, too.
In Hebrew, Immanuel means "God is with us." The Immanuel came the first Christmas and pursued us all the way to the cross. God is still pursuing us. God is always with us. How much are we with Him?
